why

Why do I want to write

What am I trying so hard to say and can’t find the words 

Am I trying to vent 

Am I processing 

Am I changing

It’s not that I feel out of place

I know I’m where I’m supposed to be 

But god it is so hard to laugh today

As if a smile would crack me like a porcelain doll

Glassy eyes heavy, the tears are just sitting on standby

Waiting for the right person to ask

“Are you okay”

And my whole existence would come crashing down

No one did this to me

Although it would be easy to place blame 

The fire that’s usually raging inside me is nothing but a small flame

A flicker

Barely a spark

Struggling to keep itself a burning coal 

That’s all that I feel is left of me some days 

Where is that blaze 

Did it go out forever 

Will I ever feel the burn

The yearn to thrive and not just survive

Trying to no avail to not let the horrors of real life suffocate me 

Put me out 

Drown my happy little world like an ant in a dew drop

Fighting the urge to lay down and let it take me

Would it be easier 

To just be miserable

Apathetic to the joys and woes of life

I don’t think I can 

That might actually kill me 

To go through life a hollow shell of a human 

I would rather endure this pain than feel nothing at all 

Surely there’s a lesson 

A reason 

Please don’t let this be a season 

So do I just take a guess 

At why I’m feeling like this 

Eliminating pieces of this life at random 

Hoping to feel something

What do I want to feel though 

Relieved 

Confident 

Happy 

I want to just be able to breathe

And my exhale not waiver with the anticipation of what will fall apart next

So why do I want to write 

To manifest

To process 

To speak into existence my peace 

As a reminder that it’s okay to feel this way 

To know it’s not how you want to feel 

To take comfort in my desire to feel more 

Feel happy 

Feel peace 

Feel love